Monday, December 05, 2005

The DW's Story

I am the wife of Paul and thought I'd too like to join in this blog to express my thoughts and feelings during our on-going journey to become pregnant.

As my DH said in one of his earlier blogs, when we first decided to try to have a baby we were concerned about which month we wanted to have the baby in, how much money we would need each month for diapers, and formula, and so forth. We started putting money aside in a Baby Fund to help offset the loss of income we would exprience when I would be on maternity leave. We thought we were getting ourselves well prepared. We had no idea what would lie ahead.

After the first few months of not being successfull we thought, it's okay we've only tried for a few months. I was reading lots about TTC. Like, how to optimize your chances of becoming pregnant, which positions would be best to help those sperm find their way to the egg, what herbal remedies my husband and I should be taking. I found some very informative forums on the internet in which women were chatting about their experiences and their journey to conceive. I knew that some women on these forums got pregnant the first or second try, but overall, most women didn't conceive until about the 6 to 9 month mark of TTC. We were fine - I just had to be patient.

As the months went by, I started to get worried. Time was a factor for us (I was 30 and my DH 32) and so at about the 6 month mark, DH decided to visit the doctor. We were told, don't worry about it. Well, 2 months or so after that, we still weren't pregnant. Thanks to the persisting of my DH, we got a referral to a urologist. As my DH mentioned in his pervious post, he had surgery and found out his low sperm count got even lower. When I went to my doctor for my annual, I decided to push for a referral to an OB/GYN. My doctor pulled some strings and we got an appointment to see the doctor in less than a month.

I felt so excited and relieved because now we were actually getting something done. After having that first appointment with the doctor, I didn't feel so excited. The picture the doctor painted for us wasn't a good one. He told us our chances of taking home a baby were about 30-35%. This is not what we wanted to hear. When I heard that, my dreams of becoming a mom were shattered. I don't think I really heard anything else the doctor had to say to us after that. I felt so sad and hopeless. I just wanted to cry. But, I managed to hold it together and got some bloodwork done and an HSG booked for the next month.

That night when we got home and started talking about what the doctor had said to us, my DH turned to me and said that he wished he would have gotten a sperm analysis done before we had gotten married because than I could have decided if I still wanted to marry him. I was speechless for a second. It was than that I realized how hard this must be on him. I knew how I would feel if the roles were reversed, if there was something wrong with me. All I could do was cry and hug him. I told him that we are in this together. I married him for the good times and the bad. He is the man I wanted to marry, the man I did marry, and the man I want to take this journey with.

So in the next month or so we got an appointment with a fertility clinic. I was so nervous because the news we received last time was not so positive and I didn't want to have to hear it again. Well, to my surprise, that trip to the doctor's was the first trip in a long time that I actually left with some hope. We were told that our changes of becoming pregnant with the help of IVF and ICSI (the only procedure that would work for us because of the low sperm count) was about 60-65%.! Wow! I couldn't believe it! I was so excited and felt that there was a chance of my dreams coming true - to become a mommy and see the man I love become a daddy!

As of today, we are mentally, financially, and emotionally set for IVF. We will be starting the process in late January after we come back from a much needed vacation to Costa Rica. I know we still have some hills to climb in the road ahead and there will be many ups and downs for us in the next couple of months. However, I figure that if we made it up the mountain this far over the last 18 months, we can make it to the top!


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