Sunday, January 15, 2006

All these feelings

In less than 2 weeks, I will officially start the IVF and ICSI process. I have been looking forward to this stage for about 6 months now. However, now that it is fast approaching, all these different emotions and feelings are going through me.

1. Excitement - DH and I have waited so long to get pregnant that I can't believe that we could be pregnant in the next couple of months.

2. Anxiety - I must admit, I hate needles. I am really anxious about all of the injections that I will have to take. I know that once I get through the first few, I will wonder what I was so anxious about. But until then, I am really nervous about giving myself the correct amount of medication, getting the needles done at the proper times and in the proper spots, and having little emotional breakdowns when it comes time to inject myself!

3. Fear - This is a big one. I am so worried that something awful will happen. Throughout our journey to conceive, we have received bad news after bad news (BFN pregnancy tests, varicoceles, low sperm count, surgery, sperm count still decreasing, visits to the OB/GYN who told us our chances of taking home a baby with the help of technology were about 30%). Now, after talking with our fertility doctor and finding out that because our fertility problems are due to low sperm count, our chances of getting pregnant through ICSI are about 60% really excited us. But now, I'm worried that if I do get pregnant, will I be able to carry it to term. I am also worried how my body will respond to the drugs. Will I produce enough eggs? Will enough of the eggs be fertilized? Will enough embryos make to the transfer stage? Will the embryos implant and stick? The list could go on and on.

After saying all of this, I realize that I would probably not be human if I wasn't feeling this way. My DH has been a great support and I know he will continue to be my rock when I am going through this whole process. He has made me realize that it's normal to have these feelings but I can't let the fears take over. I think a big part of being successful in this process is our attitude.

We see this opportunity as a gift that we have been given. We are thankful that the technology is there to allow us to conceive (because without it, we would have had less than a 2% chance of becoming pregnant naturally). We are thankful that we have the financial means to get the help. And in a strange way, I think we are a little thankful that we were dealt the "infertile" card.

I see these last 19 months kind of like us climbing a mountain. The ups and downs we encountered on our way up the mountain made us realize how much we wanted to bring a baby into our life. We took all of the challenges that we faced and tackled them together. Each challenge made our drive to become parents even stronger. Each challenge pulled my DH and I closer together. When we finally get to see and hold our baby for the very first, we will know the struggles, the bad news, and emotional breakdowns (mostly on my part) will be all worth it. That baby will be a miracle to us. That baby will know that his or her mommy and daddy wanted him or her more than anything else in the world and had to climb many mountains to bring him or her into our life. I can't wait for the three of us to finally be standing at the top of that mountain.


At 2:46 PM, January 22, 2006, Blogger PortLairge said...

Good luck. I'll be following your journey. You'll be amazed at what a pro you'll be with the needles after a day or two.


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