IVF and ICSI

Adoption was hard but worth it

2011-03-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

I wanted to let folks know that adoption for us was very tough. The way our blog reads is we just adopted. That was not the case. The paper work and home study took a long time. There was significant financial cost.

The biggest set back we had were two reversals. We were chosen, a baby was born, and the mother(s) decided to parent. The first reversal we went through was the most painful thing we ever experienced. None of the babies had made it into our home. Where we live there is a 21 day period where the birth parents can reverse their decision.

The boy we did adopt made everything else worthwhile.

What happened to us....?

2010-12-07T09:43:00.000-08:00

We've had a couple of comments where people are asking what happened to us.

We adopted a beautiful boy.

I have issues with adults posting private information about children on public websites (I don't think it is right, but each to their own), so no real details other than what I just said. However, I can share a picture with you.

FET #4 on Hold

2006-08-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

We've decided not to do a FET cycle this month for 2 reasons.

1) I'm a teacher and this year I am teaching a new grade and I am moving to a new classroom. The transfer would fall at the end of August or beginning of September when I need to be at school getting my classroom ready. My RE is one who is for 3 days of bed rest after a transfer so I really can't afford to do that at this time.

2) Paul and I need a break as well as my body needs a break! I've been pumping hormones into my body and have been poked and proded since February. I'll be able to feel as though I can live life like I did pre-IVF/FET. There will be no 2WW so I can get back to the gym this month, have a drink, not have to worry about overheating myself in the, take hot baths (which I LOVE)!

So, we will enjoy a month free of FET, ultrasounds, bloodwork, estrogen tablets, progesterone, needles in my bum, and the long dreaded 2ww. We'll get back on the FET wagon next month.

The Plan

2006-08-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Paul and I have done a lot of talking in the last few days and we have finally decided what our next plan of attack will be.

We have 8 frosties left. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't do anything with them. I can't bring myself to destroy them, and I really don't want them sitting there for years and years. So, we will do 4 more FET's (transferring 2 frosties each time). We figure that will take us to November/December. We have been debating whether or not to do another fresh cycle and after our many talks this week we have decided that we will not be seeking anymore treatments.

We struggled with this but we both realize, we want a baby love and raise. That is our goal. We are ready to be a mom and dad now. Adopting a baby from China will guarantee us a baby in our arms within a year or year and half. With treatment, we don't have that guarantee. When we first started fertility treatments a year ago, based on what our RE said, I was seeing myself with a baby already or at least pregnant. Our RE told us we have a 65% chance of getting pregnant on our IVF/ICSI #1. He never once talked about hyper stimulation (well he said, he wouldn't go over that because it only happens in 2% of women...lucky me, I got it!), cancelled cycles, reduced success rates with FET's. This past year of treatments have been emotionally, physically, and financially draining for us. I don't know how much more we can take of that.

As I mentioned in my last post, we have been really talking about the international adoption route and we have come to the decision to adopt a baby China. After researching adoptions from China and reading blogs and websites of couples who journeyed to China to bring their baby home, we knew this was what we wanted to do. It was quite the sight the other day; we were both sitting in front of the computer, with tears streaming down our faces, watching home videos of couples getting their baby for the first time. Before watching those videos, we wondered if we would be able to love and bond with a baby that wasn't biologically ours. Watching those videos confirmed for us, without a single doubt in our minds, we would be able to love that baby. Just like I would bond with a baby in my uterus for nine months, I am going to be bonding with our baby that is halfway around the world for 12 - 18 months before we meet it. We will bond with our baby each time we send off another piece of paperwork to the agency, we will bond when we find out our dossier has been received by the agency in China. We will bond when we get the referral, we will bond when we see the first pictures of our baby and read about her. We will bond when we are setting up the baby's room. We will bond each time we buy a piece of clothing or toy for her. The moment when they place our baby in our arms for the first time, will be like a mom seeing and holding her biological child for the first time.

People have asked us what we would do if we get pregnant from one of our FET cycles. Well, if we are lucky to have one of our frosties implant and stick around for 9 months we will be overjoyed and be truly blessed. Our little China Baby will have a sibling! We know we want 2 children; it will just be a bit sooner than planned!

I can't tell you how excited we both are about this whole process. After making the decision it felt as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. All the worrying and fretting about when and if treatment is going to work has been erased. I know, with 100% assurance, I'm going to be a mom and Paul is going to be a dad.

Third time isn't a charm

2006-08-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

We got another negative today.

I was kind of expecting it be negative as I didn't have any symptoms. We are disappointed but we will continue to try for as long as our finacial resources and emotions will let us.

On the adoption front, we are continuing to work through all the paperwork. I think now that we have started the adoption process we can see a light at the end of the tunnel. We are both starting to come to terms with the realization that all of these fertility treatments may not be in the cards for us and are actually becoming excited about the adoption process. We are leaning towards adopting a baby internationally. We've been doing some research and attended a seminar last week and we are pretty sure, if we do adopt internationally, it will be from China .

In the end, one way or another, a child will join our family someday.

Transfer #3

2006-07-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday we transferred 3 embryos. All 3 embryos survived the thaw really well according to Dr. C.

While we were waiting to go into the procedure room, there was one other woman in before us. Dr. C has a very loud voice so you could pretty much hear everything going on in there. My heart sank when I heard him say to her, "One of your embryos died. It didn't make it through the thaw". Luckily, she had more than 2 left so they were able to thaw another one for her. So, I said a little prayer to the thawing Gods and hoped our frosties had made it. Someone up there listened! I've been taking it easy for the last 3 days as per doctor’s orders. Beta is set for Aug. 9.

I think we've mentioned our doctor likes to joke around in the procedure room. His comment this time just after he released the embryos into me, "If you get pregnant with triplets, I'll shoot you!" How ironic would that be!

2006-07-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

We met with the doctor today. This is the first time we’ve met since our 2 failed FET’s. He basically gave us a pep talk (which we knew would probably be the case). He said that he really thinks the reason we aren't pregnant yet is because we haven't picked the right embryo. We convinced him to transfer 3 embryos this time with the promise that we would do selective reduction if we were to get pregnant with triplets. I honestly don’t think we will have to be faced with that! We asked him what the odds are of becoming pregnant with a FET cycle because we heard (thanks to the internet) that it is much lower than a fresh cycle. He kind of laughed and rolled his eyes (I imagine he was thinking “damn that internet”) and said that for a couple like us it’s only about 10% - 15% lower than a fresh. A fresh cycle would have given us a 60% chance of becoming pregnant so he said we have about a 45% - 50% chance. I find that hard to believe, but what do I know!

On the drive back I thought about what he said and I guess (and really hope) that he is right. I think we are just impatient ~ it's something we've been wanting and waiting for 2 years now and we want it now. Pretty much everything we've ever wanted we've got. We lived in an apartment and wanted a house, we got it! If we want a vacation, we figure out where we want to go and book it! When we moved into our house we wanted a dog, we got one! When we wanted to upgrade our house, we bought another one! It seems that most things in life, as long as you have the financial means to do so, you can get it when you want it! Us having a baby when we want it, well that’s another story!

The one thing Paul and I want more than anything else in the world is the one thing we don't have control over when we will get it. Before all of this IVF stuff, I considered myself a very patient person. I'm not too sure I am now! I have to keep reminding myself of the fortune Paul received in his fortune cookie 3 months ago, "Time and patience are called for, many surprises await you." My only question - how much time? Ahh, if only we could have crystal balls!

Ultrasound Results

2006-07-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

Today's ultrasound went well. Everything is on track. My lining was a whooping 12 (the highest I've had yet for a FET)!

Transfer date: July 26th

We have decided to go ahead with the adoption process, along with the IVF. We've found a social worker and placed a call to her to tell her that we are ready to start the first step, the home study.

Ready for Round 3

2006-07-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we started FET cycle #3. We are on the same protocol as the previous 2 cycles (2 Estrace tablets twice a day, blood work and ultrasound on day 10, then hopefully transfer 5 days later). I'm getting to be an old pro at this!

I've starting contacting adoption agencies. They have all suggested we start the process off with a home study. One of the social workers called me tonight and we spoke for quite awhile. I got some of my questions answered. Apparently, the home study takes roughly 3 months to complete and she will visit our home every 2 weeks or so. It is a very comprehensive home study that includes things like medicals, financial statements, references, and our family backgrounds, how we were raised, how we met, how we communicate, and our thoughts on raising children. She basically told me that our life will pretty much be an open book. The cost of this home study ... $2,000! Then she said that you will likely have to spend $8,000 to $16,000 once a birth parent decides to choose us as the adoptive family for their child. This is going to be as expensive as IVF!

So, Paul and I have a lot of decisions to make. Two years ago, I would have never of guessed that we would be having these conversations today. We thought we'd be having conversations about daycares, babysitters, and when to start trying for baby #2. My, how wrong we were!

Negative

2006-07-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

Blood test came back negative. Although I tried not to get my hopes up again this cycle, it still really hurts to hear "I’m sorry, it didn't work". So many questions are going through my mind right now. Why us? Why is this so hard? How many more negatives will we have to suffer through before it works? Will it ever work? Will we ever become parents?

I believe things happen for a reason. I said to Paul last night (we cheated and took a HPT so we knew the results already before the call today) that there must be some reason why we were chosen to go through this ~ I just wish someone would tell me the answer because I sure as hell can't figure it out right now!

We are looking at our options and trying to decide what to do next. Here are the options we've come up with.

1. Carry on with the FET's until we have used all the embryos up (we've used 4, we have 11 left).

2. Next transfer, instead of transferring only 2, we ask to have 3 transferred back hoping this will increase the 20% to 30% chance of a pregnancy we have with only transferring 2. Apparently our doctore rarely transfers 3 but maybe with our case he might.

3. Scrap the FET all together and try another fresh cycle in which our chances of becoming pregnant are increased to 60%. This option scares me to death because my last fresh cycle I hyperstimulated and couldn't go through with the transfer. What if this happens again ~ then we are right back where we started. I know they would probably monitor me more closely this time to prevent hyperstimulation but it still scares the hell out of me.

4. Go the adoption route.

So after some discussion we have decided to go with options 1 and 4. We will continue with the frozen cycle until we have used all of our embryos and pray that one of the 15 we had will like my uterus enough to want to hang out there for 9 months. In the meantime, I'm contacting the adoption agency and asking them to get the adoption process started for us.

The whole adoption thing was a tough decision for me because it kind of feels like we're giving up on trying to have biological children. But, having children is our goal here. If they are biologically ours that would be great, if they aren't biologically ours, so what ~ we would love them no differently. We have always talked about having 2 kids and if we are having this much difficulty getting pregnant with the first one, my biological clock may be out of tick-tock by the time we are ready to try for the 2nd. So we will continue trying to get pregnant and start the adoption process which could take as much time, or more, as it does for us to get pregnant!

Okay, I must stop now; it's getting hard to see the screen through the tears. Can one get electrocuted by shedding too many tears on a laptop? It's probably best if I not stick around to find out!

Had Transfer Today

2006-06-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today we had our transfer. Our appointment was at 1:30pm and we were told to be there at 12:45pm. At that time I was to start drinking water as they needed me to have a full bladder for the transfer.

Well 1:30 came and went and we still had not had the transfer. There were 5 of us in the room waiting for the doctor. He was running way behind schedule. I can't tell you how much fun it was sitting there, waiting for the doctor, with a VERY full bladder!!!! By the time we went into the procedure room, it was 2:30 - he was running 1 hour behind schedule!!!

None of us there could hold it ~ thank god we were allowed to empty some of our bladder (only 1/2 a plastic cup mind you) because I wouldn't have made it!

Now it's the waiting game again ~ July 4th is test day to see if round 2 worked!

I've Been Tagged!

2006-06-13T16:57:00.000-07:00

Here we go;

5 Items in my fridge:
1. Stawberries
2. Birthday cake (my birthday was Monday)
3. Gonal - f pack
4. Vanilla favoured yogurt
5. Pomegranate juice

5 Items in my closet:
1. A whole bunch of shoes (according to my husband, not me!)
2. A jar of coins
3. A bag of books
4. Clothes hamper
5. Dog hair

5 Items in my car:
1. iPod
2. Cell phone charger
3. Cd's
4. A road map of Ontario
5. Snow Brush

5 Items in my purse:
1. My day calendar
2. Tylenol
3. Cell phone
4. Receipts
5. Keys

Woohoo 9.7!

2006-06-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

That was my lining measurement today. I was so relieved! Paul starts giving me "the needle in the butt" (aka progesterone) on Friday and looks like transfer #2 will happen one week from tomorrow.

Today's Ultrasound

2006-06-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

Today's ultrasound showed my lining was not quite where they wanted it. It was only at a 6.9

They want me to come back in Monday for another ultrasound. I was checking where I was last cycle at this time and I was at a 9.2! What's happening?!

FET #2

2006-05-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

FET cycle number 2 officially started today. Start the Estrace tablets tonight and we have the ultrasound and bloodwork booked for June 8. Let's hope we get lucky the second time 'round!

Results of beta #2

2006-05-26T14:01:00.001-07:00

Well, after our very slight positive on Wednesday, the results today show a definite negative. We can try another FET again next month. Here's hoping we will get better results next time.

beta results

2006-05-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

The beta results indicate pregnancy but the number is extremely low. I have to go for another test tomorrow. The nurse coordinate said that if the number starts doubling, we are on the right track but she doesn't think it is going to amount to anything.

The results ....... well, kind of.

2006-05-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I went for my beta this morning and still haven't got the results back yet. I asked the lab tech who took my blood when the clinic would be getting the results and she said tomorrow afternoon! I guess that is what you get for living in a small town! However, we cheated yesterday and did a hpt. It came back negative. So, we have pretty much accepted the fact that it didn't work and we are hoping we can start the next cycle as soon as possible. Thanks for all of you who were thinking of us today ~ it means a lot.

12:15 PM EST Monday May 9th 2006

2006-05-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

We had the transfer. We got to see the embryos on the ultrasound go in. Our doc likes to crack jokes. As he walked in he said “ok, lets get you pregnant.” Then after the procedure he asked “do you feel pregnant?”

My wife is now with embryos. And hopefully they are dividing and growing. And hopefully they will implant.

We test on May 23.

Wish us luck.

PS No pictures! But we did get the dish the embryos were in.

Paul

Transferring Tomorrow

2006-05-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

Got the call from the clinic today. We will be transferring 2 frosties at 12:15 tomorrow afternoon.

Ultrasound

2006-05-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my bloodwork and ultrasound done. My lining is at 9.3 and all the bloodwork came back fine. I am to continue to take my 2 Estrace tablets twice a day until Friday. On Friday I am to take 2 tablets once a day and start the PIO shots. Transfer will happen on Tuesday.

Here's hoping everything will go as planned this time!

Hallelujah!

2006-04-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

This show is back on the road! AF arrived last night ~ what a relief! I am a born worrier (thanks, mom) so I was very worried that I would have a marathon cycle and have to delay this IVF process even more. Well, all my worrying was for nothing! It's back ~ yahoo (I never thought I'd be so excited to see my period)!

So, this morning I put in a call to the clinic (it's a satellite clinic so nobody is there taking calls today) and will wait for the nurse coordinator to call me tomorrow and tell me when I start taking the estradial tablets. Apparently, this puppies are inserted and they are a really funky blue colour. I've been warned that I'll be seeing some colour coming from the Nether Region ~ oh, joy!!

Still Waiting .... Not so patiently though!

2006-04-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when you don't want AF to show, it shows, and when you want it show, it doesn't? I don't know how much more patient I can be! I was expecting AF last weekend, but it still hasn't arrived. I guess all of those drugs, hormones and god knows what else I was putting into my body are causing things to go wacky this cycle.

I'm hoping AF will come this weekend so we can get this show on the road. My estrogen tablets are sitting on the shelf in the pantry staring at me every morning when I go in there. I hope I will be able to use them soon!

The Waiting Continues

2006-04-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since our last post. There is not very much to update. Since the last post, we found out 15 eggs were frozen, all of them are 5 day blasts. Unfortunately, I got my period too soon so the doctor decided it would be best to wait another month before we do the transfer.

I am guessing my next cycle will start mid April so transfer could happen at the end of this month. I don't know the specifics of my protocol yet but it looks like I'll be on estrogen pills to thicken my lining and PIO injections.

So, we wait some more. Last night Paul and I were out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I usually don't think too much of the fortunes we get inside our fortune cookies. However, last night, I had to keep the fortune Paul got ......... time and patience are called for, many surprises await you.

Bad News and Good News

2006-03-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

Bad news: No beans in my belly.
Good news: We have at a minimum, 14 embryo's frozen (14 embyros made it to the blastocyst stage and 6 could potential make it there tomorrow - if so, they will be frozen too). Our doctor said with that amount of embryo's frozen it's not a case of "if" we get pregnant, it's a case of "when".

After 2 ultrasounds, the Dr. decided against the transfer today. I still had fluid in places I shouldn't and the doctor said I would hyperstimulate if the embryo's implanted. He said that would be unsafe for me (perhaps up to 1 month in a hospital and I would be very sick).

We are disappointed but we know it's the right decision. Besides, we've waited 2 years to get to this point, what's another month! I kind of had a feeling today wouldn't be transfer day - still feeling bloated but like 85% better than I have been feeling over the past few days. Before I left, the nurse gave me a painful shot in the butt to shut down my ovaries which will prevent any more hyperstimulation. We will be back down to the clinic next Sunday for another ultrasound and some more bloodwork. When my next AF starts (dr. says probably in 2 or 3 weeks) we can get of this side trail and head back to the main trail to parenthood.

Today's Report

2006-03-11T15:37:00.000-08:00

17 embryo's at the morula stage (day 4)
5 embryo's just a little bit slower

We are staying at a hotel tonight just right around the corner from the clinic. Tomorrow we will know if we are transferring or not.

We'll keep you updated!

21 Embyros Looking Hopeful

2006-03-11T06:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's report looks like this:

1 embryo @ lowest stage (1-5 cells)
1 embryo @ 2nd lowest stage (6 cells)
13 embryo's @ 2nd highest stage (7-8 cells)
8 embryo's @ highest stage (9 or more cells)

We are anxiously waiting today's report. If everything looks good inside me (no signs of OHSS) they will go ahead with the transfer tomorrow.

The Report

2006-03-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

Got the call this morning about our embryos. Out of the 26 we had fertilize, 12 of them are where they should be at this stage (3-4 cells), 10 of them are growing faster then they would like (5 cells), and 1 is behind (only at 2 cells). She said the average grade was a 2 or 3. They want to see it at a grade 1,2, or 3 at this stage in the game. I don't know what all this means ~ I just pray that we have 1 or 2 really great embryo's by Day 5 (our clinic only transfers on day 5).

I'm feeling so much better than I did yesterday. Instead of feeling like I did 1000 sit-ups yesterday, I feel like I have only done about 50 today. The pain is not as intense today but I still can't walk very fast or far. My ovaries feel all battered and bruised (which is normal I would assume after having them proked and proded with a needle 30 times). I have taken the last 2 days off work since the retrieval and I am taking in lots of tv shows, rest, and reading some good books (thanks Becky for the little bag of books - they have come in handy!).

The progestron shots are going fine. I feel today's shot though - my upper butt is aching a bit so I should get the heating pad on it! I'm still a little concerned about OHSS. I've being following the instructions the clinic has given me. I have to measure my intake and outtake of fluids and only drink as much as I pee out! The worst part of it is that I can only drink Gatorade and Ensure. Have you ever tried Ensure? If you haven't I would only recommend it if you enjoy drinking crushed chalk with a little bit of flavouring! It's awful! And I have to drink 2 cans of it a day!!! Oh well, hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

30, 29, & 26

2006-03-08T11:10:00.000-08:00

"What do those numbers mean?" you might ask!

30 eggs retrieved
29 mature eggs
26 fertilized

Wow! We got 26 fertilized.

Tomorrow we will get the progress report. This report will have the count & grading. Until then.

$5,900 for 30 follicles

2006-03-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

We had the retrieval scheduled for today. Yesterday I started calling the hotels to book one. To my dismay I learned there was a conference in town and most of the hotels were sold out. I had a choice between a 4 star @ $300 a night or a 2 start at $100. I went for the 4 star, I didn’t think we would be comfortable in the 2 star.

At 3:40 AM I got a call on my cell phone. It was a lady from Mount Sinai hospital in TO, located less than 1 km from the hotel we were in. She was looking for the parents of a baby at the hospital. I was completely confused and drunk with sleep I started to think it was the IVF clinic. I quickly realized she had the wrong person. She told me their baby was critically ill. And she could not get hold of them. She told me she would have to send the police to their house. Not to arrest them, but to get the message to them. So it sounded like the baby was not going to make it.

What are the chances of us getting a call from a nurse in charge of a baby that may not pull through the night on the eve of our retrieval? In fact 6 hours before the retrieval took place. I would say pretty slim. My wife and I have the names of the parents. And we lightly considered naming our future baby after them, or after their baby if the sex is right. Reincarnation? Who knows.

We got to the clinic on time at 7:30 AM, and boy, was it busy. It seems half of TO is infertile. It was a little disorientating being there. Plus on such an important day I didn’t really want to sit and wait to be called. I wanted them to usher us into where ever it was were going when we arrived. We had a 60 inch plasma to help pass away the time. Fortunately the wait was not too long.

They took Lisa first to get her undressed and hooked up to the IV drip. I had to wait some more. When I was called I was ushered into a room with my wife and two other couples doing the same as us. Lisa sat in a reclining comfy chair. In her right arm was the needle with the IV tackle attached to it. She was wearing a hospital gown.

Wait, wait, my contribution, wait, into the procedure room we went. 3 nurses, a doc, two technicians, a mom-to-be, a dad-to-be, and 30 follicles were at this party. And my wife was the focus of all. On the ultra sound screen we got to watch the black voids flow away into the needle. Each of black voids are follicles containing fluid and the eggs we need. It was pretty amazing to watch. We got 30. The IVF team were pretty amazed. The doc said DW did not look hyper stimulated, but we have to measure fluids in/out for the next week. Plus take her weight, and her waist measurement.

Back to the room we went. DW wife a little groggy. We left in an hour with our Prostogen in tow.

On the way home DW scared the heck out of me when she passed out. I nearly drove her to the hospital, but I surmised it was probably the drugs catching up with her, plus being hungry and a lack of fluids.

I’m now sitting on the couch with Lisa using the lap top to write this. She’s sore, but seems well enough. 6 days we’ll get the news on if the implantation will go ahead or not.

If not, the embryos will be frozen, then implanted when the OHSS has passed.

Baby Lab - new show on lifenetwork

2006-03-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Wow! They got a show, and I'm staring in it. Well, not me, but couples going through the exact same thing we all are. It is on Sundays noonish time. It is called the Baby Lab:
http://www.lifenetwork.ca/ontv/titledetails.aspx?titleid=97044

I sneaked a peek at the first 10 mins (i'm working, it's recorded onto the PVR) and it looks good.

Just thought you would like to know.

"I'm cold..."

2006-03-06T06:44:00.000-08:00

My DW says "I'm cold." I respond by turning on the fireplace. My DW says "I'm hungry." I suggest we eat something. My DW says "I'm hyper stimulated." I have no idea what to do. Kind of feel helpless.

DW is hyper stimulated.

The nurse did not seem too concerned. And told us that others are more stimulated than she and they are proceeding with retrieval / implantation. The nurse said it is up to the doctor if only the retrieval is done. If that happens the embryos would be frozen, then implanted when the OHSS has passed.

The OHSS also will not affect the pregnancy, but can cause discomfort to DW. Which may require her to be hospitalized while they drain fluid.

If you are a worry wart, then IVF is for you. There is so much to 'worry' about.

Trigger shot tonight

2006-03-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight it is the night we trigger!

Yay! What a relief. The HCG shot goes tonight at 9:00PM. On Tuesday we head to the city for the retrevial. We'll be booking a hotel room for Monday night.

Holy Follicles!

2006-03-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Went for bloodwork and U/S yesterday and had the shock of my life! I went for 25 follicles on Friday to 40 follicles on Saturday ~ that's even after taking me off the Gonal-f! I am now a little bit worried about OHSS. My estrogen level was still high yesterday. I was back again this morning for more bloodwork and another U/S. Haven't got the results of the bloodwork back yet but as for the U/S, she measured 37 follicles today. She told me the number of follicles will go down because as some of the follicles grow bigger, some of the follicles will be compressed and wont be big enough to count and measure.

So now we wait to see what happens tomorrow. It could be retrieval day for me or I will be back down to the clinic for more bloodwork and another U/S. The past couple of days I have been feeling full and bloated. My ovaries feel huge!! I can't sit for long periods of time as it becomes very uncomfortable. I keep telling myself, it will all be worth it in the end!

Off the Gonal F due to Elevated Estrogen Level

2006-03-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

We are pausing on the Gonal F tonight due to elevated estrogen level. DW is responding "too well" to the Gonal F.

Does anyone know if this is something to be concerned about? Please leave a comment.

It's Almost Retrieval Time

2006-03-03T09:09:00.000-08:00

Went for my bloodwork and U/S this morning. We now have 25 follicles ~ 13 on the left and 12 on the right. She instructed me to drink a bottle of Gatorade every day until we have the retrieval. DH got the insructions on how to give me the injection in my butt. I was not expecting to have him actually give me one today (mind you, he only injected me with water), but the nurse told me to turn around and show her my butt check! Apparently, the needle is a long one, I wouldn't know because I didn't want to see it! Just before he was about to jab me he says to then nurse, "I'm putting this all the way in? Are you sure I wont hit a bone?" I'm lying there thinking, "Holy crap, how big is this needle!" After my DH finished giving me the shot, he looked at me and he had this look on his face ~ the look of "I'm so sorry I have to do this to you." After seeing that look, I decided then and there that I was not going to look at the size of that needle!

Based on the u/s results, the nurse co-ordinator guesses that we could be retrieving on Monday or Tuesday. After she said that it hit me that this is really happening! Many emotions are going through me now, I'm nervous, anxious, worried, and excited. I just have to rememeber to take it one day at time and think positive thoughts...easier said then done.

One egg + One sperm

2006-03-02T06:07:00.000-08:00

One egg + One sperm – that is all we need. However, we are always encouraged by seeing larger numbers for either of those two parts. We are playing a numbers games here. Lets say we harvest 20 eggs, all of them should be fertilized, and only 40% will make it to day 5. That would leave us with 8 embryos to transfer. The embryologist will transfer the best two of the eight. Which, ultimately will improve our chances of getting the BFP.

So DW had 14 counted/measured yesterday, and was told there are many more that are too small to count. She’s had her Gonal F injection reduced to 150. It appears the drug is doing its job and we will not be short of eggs.

Some Good News

2006-02-28T14:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday DH got the results of his latest SA. Just to recap the count ~ 1st one: 17million, 2nd one: 10 million, 3rd one: 2 million. We were both nervous about hearing the results of the newest analysis as the downward trend was not encouraging. So this one is 6 months after his varicocle surgery and his count is up to 13 million. We know this is still well below the normal range but the count went up! The other numbers (morphology and motility) were all in normal range as well.

As for me, I went for bloodwork yesterday and my Gonal - F dosage was decreased a bit. I hope that is okay. Tomorrow I go for another bloodtest and ultrasound. It will be interesting to see how many follicies (if any) I have and how big they are. I really made the nurse work hard for her bucks yesterday. I think I have the worst veins in the world. For as long as I can remember, when I need to give blood, many people have a hard time finding a good vein. Apparently they are very tiny and wiggle around a lot. Yesterday, it took the nurse 5 tries (5 needles and 5 pokes) to find a vein that would give blood. It took her 25 minutes to get it!!!! Today I look like a vodoo doll with all my bruises and poke holes. What can I do to make it easier ~ I drink a glass of orange juice and drink water all the way down to the clinic (about 50 minutes). Needless to say, I need to find the bathroom as soon as I get there!

2 Injections a Day

2006-02-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

Thursday I had my bloodwork and ultrasound done. The nurse coordinator called later in day to tell me everything is a go. She told me to start taking the stimulation drug, Gonal-F, Friday night.

While I was at the clinic, they showed me how to use the Gonal-F pen (which I like a lot better then the needle ) and sent me over to the hospital for an ultrasound. What I found most amusing was when the technician hands me a clipboard and a pen and says "I'm going to get you to my job for me!" Because she has one hand on the computer and the other on the wand searching around in my uterus, I have the responsbility while I'm laying there to record all the information. So she starts firing off numbers like the size of my uterine lining, the size of my left and right ovaries. Later on, when my follicies start growing, I will be keeping track of how many there are and how big they are. She said the process could take up to a half an hour depending on how many follicies I have!

So, the nightly ritual now consists of 2 injections. I am going to the clinic on Monday for bloodwork and Wed for bloodwork and ultrasound, and again on Friday. Lots of early mornings next week!

I think I am now starting to experience some more mood swings. A word of advise - 8 below is not a good movie for someone who is on hormone drugs to see! I bawled like a baby throughout most of the movie and even on the way home in the car!! In fact, I can't even talk about the movie without tearing up!

March 9th and March 14th – roughly – will be very important dates

2006-02-23T05:51:00.000-08:00

DW is getting her day 0 blood test and ultrasound today. I was reviewing the instruction sheet the nurse had given us. By my calculation retrieval will be done on March 9th and implantation will be on March 15th. Give or take a day. Wow! In a month, at the end of March we will know if we’ve got a BFP or BFN. And if all goes well Dec 06 should be a very special time for our family.

The Nightly Ritual

2006-02-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been injecting Suprefact for 9 days now and so far, so good. I have yet to give myself a shot - my DH has been giving them to me. Every night at 9:20 his cell phone alarm chimes and that tells us to get out our drug injecting supplies ~ a needle, alcohol swabs, the Suprefact, and an ice pack. We gather in the living room and we begin the nightly ritual.

I pinch some fat and place the ice pack on the spot he will poke for about 30 seconds (just enough to numb the spot). While I'm doing this, he is preparing the needle with the drug. He wipes my skin with the alcohol swab and looks at me and says, "Are you ready?". After a deep breath, I answer, "Yep".

He jabs the needle in as I watch. He slowly releases the drug under my skin. I'll sometimes have to tell him to go a little faster. Sometimes I'll give a little "ahh". Sometimes I will not feel a thing. Once we see that all of the drug has left the needle, I start counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, (they say to leave the needle in for 5 seconds after we have injected all the drug). The needle comes out. My DH says, "Good girl," and kisses me on the forehead. For a couple of minutes afterwards, it stings and itches a little bit.

My DH has done a great job in keeping me calm and composed during this ritual. He is the reason why I think I'm handling the needles so well (have I mentioned before how much I hated needles up until now ~ so much so that I would pass out every time I got one). I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone else but him.

As far as side effects of the drug ~ I have only experienced a few headaches. I have been trying to drink lots of water and it helps. I have had 1 or 2 hot flashes (now I know how my mom feels!). I don't think the drug has been effecting my mood (although, perhaps I should ask my husband and students ~ they may think otherwise!). Maybe after being on the drug for a few more days, I may want to edit this paragraph! I'll keep you posted.

The Ladybug Story

2006-02-14T14:12:00.000-08:00

So I've heard that ladybugs are a sign of good luck.

During the last week of January, the week I was starting the birth control pill, I was at my aerobics class. As usual, I pulled out the weights I would be using and set them down in front of me. When it was time to use them, I picked them up and noticed as I lifted them over my head, something fall down in front of my eyes and land on the floor by my feet. A ladybug.

2 weeks later I was picking up a huge roll of blueprint paper (my dad owns a drafting/blueprint business and I was doing the blueprints for him while he was away on vacation). Something flew out of the roll and hit me on the face. I looked down on the table where it landed to see what it was. A ladybug.

On Sunday, I was cleaning the house and on the window sill in our bedroom I noticed something. A ladybug.

Yesterday, I went into the bathroom and noticed something moving around on the bottom of the tub. A ladybug.

I guess time will tell how lucky ladybugs really are.

4 Lady Bugs

2006-02-14T06:39:00.000-08:00

Interrupted Wanderlust this one is for you.

Over the past month my wife has seen 4 lady bugs. Odd to see them at this time of year in Canada. We are in the middle of winter.

She pulled me up stairs yesterday to show me something. That something was a lady bug in the bath tub. I offered to kill it. yeah, I sometimes make jokes at bad times. She declined my offer.

If you go through some of the post from Interrupted Wanderlust before she got her BFP you will see the importance of the lady bugs.

A Doomed Society

2006-02-13T10:40:00.000-08:00

This is some social commentary.

In Western Worlds the course for many is to go to school until they are 23, work until they are 30, then try to have kids. People are getting married later now. And having kids even later.

Many of use in our 30s were brought into the world by parents in their early 20s. My mom was 23 and my dad 25.

It is so ironic now that we have to spend so much effort getting our life on track before we think about children. A degree is standard now for most. And most women want to get a couple of years of work under their belt before they consider children. And of course, so do men.

So we have more and more women and men trying to conceive in their 30’s. Many of them do. Only 1 in 8 couple will be infertile. Although hanging around these blogs it seems everyone is that way.

Fewer and fewer couples have more than 2 children. In Canada we have 1.7 children per woman in 1992. I would think the US is similar.

http://atlas-dev.ccrs.nrcan.gc.ca/site/english/maps/peopleandsociety/family/family1996/childrenathome/1

If we didn’t have immigrants Canada’s population would shrink generation in and generation out. And we would be in a whole world of trouble.

And many of us don’t get not being able to have children until it happens to us. We are told by sex education workers that is only takes one sperm and one egg. Although technically true, that one sperm needs to be one of 20 Million+. A man with just one sperm per go has essentially a zero chance of getting a woman pregnant. We spend our earlier years trying not to get pregnant or catch a STD. I wonder if this could be a pick-up line in a bar of women looking for a good time but not a baby or husband: “Hi, I have a low sperm count!”? Is that funny? Maybe not, my wife will likely groan when she reads this.

Enough. Back to work.

Not so shallow

2006-02-12T05:52:00.000-08:00

We are getting to be pros at the injections. The first one I did not go that deep. I think that was a bad thing. It looked like a bad bug bite about an hour after. The subsequent 2 I went much deeper. And no bug bite syndrome on either one.

Don’t Hurt Me

2006-02-10T06:20:00.000-08:00

Last night was a new first in my relationship with my wife. I injected her with meds!

At 9:30 PM she got out her drug paraphernalia: syringes, alcohol swabs, instructions and the drug superfact. She read the instructions, opened the bottle, swabbed everything that needed to be swabbed, and filled the needle with 0.25 ML of drugs.

The whole time her hands are shaking and it only gets worse as she goes through the steps and gets closer to the needle being plunged in. I had told her that it was clearly her choice who was going to do the injecting. The shaking is getting worse and she is about ready to inject herself. I’m thinking that this is not going to work, at least not today. The last thing the body wants is a shaky needle being pushed in slowly. So I offered to do it, and she took me up on the offer with the condition of "don't hurt me." I replyed "It is going to hurt."

In it went, a couple of ‘ouches’, a couple of ‘not so fast’ (it hurts when the drug goes in) and then we were done. She reported some stinging sensations. An hour after the area looked like a real bad mosquito bite. By morning the redness and swelling had gone. The only evidence was a little pin prick mark.

Ok – here’s the wild bit. Last night I dreamed she wanted someone else to do the injecting. That someone else was Jack, the doctor off of Lost the TV show. And boy oh boy was I pissed. I woke up mad at her.

Until you’ve had the opportunity to inject your spouse with drugs you might not get this. It seemed to bring us closer, at least from my perspective. Maybe she saw me as the bastard bringing her all of this pain. I don’t know. But I do know the bond is just that little bit stronger today.

First Injection Done

2006-02-09T18:57:00.000-08:00

Well, I survived. I had Paul give me the first shot. It wasn't too bad. I am such a baby when it comes to needles! I keep telling mself it will get easier! Next step is for me to give myself the injection. Perhaps tomorrow.

A little help

2006-02-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Both my wife and I are gainfully employed and can afford this IVF and ICSI. Of course it will put a strain on our finances, but nothing we cannot manage.

There is a project that we are working on that is starting to gain steam. It would help our, especially my, state of mind it had more steam and started to roar.

It is a B&B guide called http://www.pillowsandpancakes.com - if you are looking to visit a B&B it would really help us if you tried our site first. Or could possibly plug it on your blogs or tell your friends about it. TIA.

Thanks,
Paul

Back on Birth Control

2006-01-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

Who would have thought that after being birth control free for 2 years that I'd be back on the pill! I started the pill yesterday and will be on it until Feb 12th. The pill is going to put my ovaries and uterine lining asleep. Then, the dreaded needles will begin on Feb. 9th. On that day I will begin injecting myself with Suprefact. This is a drug that will stop my brain from communicating with my ovaries. It suppresses the pituitary gland, which prevents it from releasing FSH (follicle stimulating hormones that stimulates egg development) and LH (luteinizing hormone which stimulates ovaries to mature eggs). This means that the fertility clinic will have complete control of my ovaries and uterus without any interference from my brain! Yikes!

Liz

2006-01-26T05:42:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across this site http://whennatureisnotenoughivf4me.blogspot.com/ She is going through cycle #3. She just had the retrival yesterday.

Here's a copy of her 'about me.'

Liz

Location: New York

I'm 36 and have been happily married since Sept. 2002. Ivan is truly my companion in life. Our TTC journey has felt like a never ending roller coaster ride. We had an ectopic in Dec. 04 and in April found out my IF is due to tubal abnormality. We were told IVF was our only option. July 05 we did IVF # 1 and it was a chemical PG. We did IVF # 2 in Oct. and it was a BFN. I will not give up my dream of having a baby. Currently doing IVF # 3...hoping for a miracle.

And check out the blogs she links to on the right hand side.

Interesting slide show

2006-01-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod2.html

We're Off!

2006-01-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

Had my FSH Day 3 blood test done today and will start the BCP on Saturday. This marks the beginning of our IVF journey. It was quite a morning!

To start things off, we had snow squalls this morning so the hour long drive was a little slow. I ran into some drifting and blowing snow, and some icy spots. Made it to the clinic in one piece. The nurse at the clinic had a hell of a time trying to find a vein (this is typical for me; it's nothing for me to have major bruises the next day).

I figured I needed to be out of the clinic and on the road by 8am if I was to make it to work on time (I'm a teacher so I can't be a few minutes late). Left the clinic right at 8am and at about 8:15am I get pulled over by a cop for speeding (my first ticket ever in my 16 years as a driver)! So, $50 and 10 minutes later I am back on the road (really watching my speed now). On the way back, there is 1 set of train tracks along the way. These tracks are rarely used anymore. However, today was the day they decided to use them! Guess what, I'm stopped for another 5 minutes waiting for the train to pass! So then, I'm driving along and then get stuck behind a row of cars following a snow plow doing about 50km/h in an 80km/h zone. At this point, I can feel my blood pressure rising!

Anyway, I did make it to work with about 5 minutes to spare before my students came piling in! I think they found their teacher just a tad bit bitchy today! Ah, those poor kids - hopefully it will not get any worse when I start the drugs!

Nano to help the drive

2006-01-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

As a celebration of our starting the IVF I bought my wife an Nano iPOD. On days she goes for blood work she's going to drive close to 2 hours. She can now download AudioBooks onto her Nano and use them to pass the long drives away.

She made her first trip today. We had snow squall warnings, and fortunately we've got a 4WD vehicle plus snow tires. This makes all the difference in the world.

First blood

2006-01-24T11:19:00.000-08:00

Blood is being drawn tomorrow from DW. She has to be over there early in the morning since she is a teacher and her school is over 50 mins away from the clinic. She cannot be late for school. With her school she is either there or she calls in a supply for the first bell.

She’s getting her FSH (Follicle stimulating hormone) levels tested. If my memory serves me well if her levels are too high we are in trouble. It would indicate something wrong with the eggs and that she was close to menopause.

This should be a routine test with predictable results. We are not worried about this one.

Step 1

2006-01-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

and 4,999 more to go.

We are officially out of the waiting period and have moved into the phase of action. The last two months we've pretty much been waiting. Lisa will get her first blood test on Thursday.

By my calculations we should do the retrieval and implantation mid to late-March. We will find out if we were successful 2 weeks later... around Easter. Which is the time of our 1st date 5 years ago.

Wouldn't that be amazing to get the news around Easter? I'm not a religious person at heart, its not that I don't believe in God, I just don't believe in most of the things Church has to say. It seems things are not open to debate and for the most part are to be taken literal. A pretty broad brush, eh?

Regardless, Easter coincides with spring. And if I searched/explored it out I bet I could tie it into some Pagan holiday (kind of like Christmas). But regardless of the origins of Easter, it does symbolize re-birth. And hopefully we'll be basking in the knowledge of our new impending life.

Good news amongst all the bad

2006-01-15T07:44:00.000-08:00

We’ve been a washed with lots of bad news over the past two years. We’re kind of use to it.

I went for a DNA fragmentation test in October. We got the results back before Christmas. Good news… 7%; less than 15% means excellent (you want to see lower numbers when it comes to the DNA fragmentation test).

Over 30% is considered poor fertility potential.

All these feelings

2006-01-15T07:26:00.000-08:00

In less than 2 weeks, I will officially start the IVF and ICSI process. I have been looking forward to this stage for about 6 months now. However, now that it is fast approaching, all these different emotions and feelings are going through me.

1. Excitement - DH and I have waited so long to get pregnant that I can't believe that we could be pregnant in the next couple of months.

2. Anxiety - I must admit, I hate needles. I am really anxious about all of the injections that I will have to take. I know that once I get through the first few, I will wonder what I was so anxious about. But until then, I am really nervous about giving myself the correct amount of medication, getting the needles done at the proper times and in the proper spots, and having little emotional breakdowns when it comes time to inject myself!

3. Fear - This is a big one. I am so worried that something awful will happen. Throughout our journey to conceive, we have received bad news after bad news (BFN pregnancy tests, varicoceles, low sperm count, surgery, sperm count still decreasing, visits to the OB/GYN who told us our chances of taking home a baby with the help of technology were about 30%). Now, after talking with our fertility doctor and finding out that because our fertility problems are due to low sperm count, our chances of getting pregnant through ICSI are about 60% really excited us. But now, I'm worried that if I do get pregnant, will I be able to carry it to term. I am also worried how my body will respond to the drugs. Will I produce enough eggs? Will enough of the eggs be fertilized? Will enough embryos make to the transfer stage? Will the embryos implant and stick? The list could go on and on.

After saying all of this, I realize that I would probably not be human if I wasn't feeling this way. My DH has been a great support and I know he will continue to be my rock when I am going through this whole process. He has made me realize that it's normal to have these feelings but I can't let the fears take over. I think a big part of being successful in this process is our attitude.

We see this opportunity as a gift that we have been given. We are thankful that the technology is there to allow us to conceive (because without it, we would have had less than a 2% chance of becoming pregnant naturally). We are thankful that we have the financial means to get the help. And in a strange way, I think we are a little thankful that we were dealt the "infertile" card.

I see these last 19 months kind of like us climbing a mountain. The ups and downs we encountered on our way up the mountain made us realize how much we wanted to bring a baby into our life. We took all of the challenges that we faced and tackled them together. Each challenge made our drive to become parents even stronger. Each challenge pulled my DH and I closer together. When we finally get to see and hold our baby for the very first, we will know the struggles, the bad news, and emotional breakdowns (mostly on my part) will be all worth it. That baby will be a miracle to us. That baby will know that his or her mommy and daddy wanted him or her more than anything else in the world and had to climb many mountains to bring him or her into our life. I can't wait for the three of us to finally be standing at the top of that mountain.

2 weeks to go

2006-01-13T15:08:00.000-08:00

My wife and I arrived safely from Costa Rica. Amazing place to travel to. It is not a sit on the beach and sunbath place.

We are waiting for Aunt Flow. She is due in about 2 weeks. After that we will be starting our IVF and ICSI cycle.

The wait

2005-12-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

Ever since we made the decision to go IVF/ICISI we've essentially given up trying to get a BFP on our own. We've handed our future over to a doc and his team.

The stress of everything going on right now seems enormous. Work, the holidays, upcoming vacation and so on. I'm not sleeping well. In fact very poorly. I fall asleep OK, but I'm up around 12:30AM for an hour, then again at 4 (mainly because the dog tries to get on the bed) and then usually up from 6ish to 7ish. The alarm goes off at 7:00 AM. My wife is doing no better.

We go on vacation next week. We've always slept so well while we are away. And it is not the bed or the room. I think just being away from it all makes all the difference in the world. I'm looking forward to the week. Mainly because I hope to sleep deeply through the night.

When we start the IVF process I don't know how I'm going to sleep. The other stresses like work, the house and all of the daily stuff will not go away. Maybe exhaustion will be my friend. At times I wish I had a simpler life. No computers, no phones, no internet, and a little house on some acres with lots of tress with a stream running through the backyard for the dog to swim in. A view of something else other than houses across the road. Does not need to be a majestic view, just a view.

I guess that is why I work so hard. I envision that for my family one day. A little place that is private where stupid neighbours don't walk across our lawn.

But you know, the house being my office is probably the biggest problem. I lack will power sometimes. And I'm never truely off. I'm always on call in some sense. There are great benefits to this working at home. But I think the 'not being able to get away from it' is a big fault. So much so, I think I might just build a lone standing building for my office in our next house. Something that is locked separately. Something that I truely get away from.

I wish I could get my thinking right.

Talkin' about it.

2005-12-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday my wife and I were having dinner with some good friends. We’ve told them about our IVF/ICSI adventure. They asked what causes the lower sperm count. T. then asked this rhetorical question: “Were you kicked in the balls as a kid?”

Why does one have low sperm count? There can be several very obvious reasons, but for most of the men suffering from this the reason is rarely know.

The obvious stuff:
Having some diseases, for example, mumps Or having cancer then radiation treatment.

In my case the cause is not specifically know.

I had the a varicocele which can cause infertility on two fronts.
1) The affected side, usually the left, testicle will likely be smaller due to lack of blood. Kind of like atrophy.
2) The heat from the veins may cause infertility.

I told T. these things in very matter of fact terms. I wish I knew what she was thinking as I used all of the correct terminology. Like scrotum, testicle… and and. I don’t think I’ve ever used those terms with her.

Results of the Varicocele Repair

2005-12-09T10:31:00.000-08:00

I’ve had three sperm tests done, two before the surgery and one after. The one after was only two months after the surgery.

The numbers:
1st 17m
2nd 10m
Surgery
3rd 2 m

The 2 million one freaked me out. The OB/GYN didn’t seem to be as concerned as we did about the downward trend. The urologist told us to wait at least 6 months to see any results. We asked the OB/GYN if we did the test too early. He said he didn’t know.

All in all, 2, 10, or 17 million does not really matter if we are going through IVF/ICSI. And there are other numbers which I am not mentioning, like morphology and motility; which are equally important. Having a high count with no swimmers is not better.

All that matters is they can pull good ones to do the ICSI with.
We’ll be doing another count in Jan and see if the numbers are any different.

Depending on how you get there, the view can look remarkably different

2005-12-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

I love to think in analogies. Sometimes I’ll apologies for it before I give one. I’ve never been sure if my tendency to think in analogies was a sign of an intellectual deficit or asset.

I’ve done hiking in Whistler, Lake Louise, the Alps around Mount Blanc, Pyrenees, and the West Coast Trail on Vancouver Island. I’ve always found it amazing how I felt about the view at the destination depended on how I got there. For example, in Whistler I can take a gondola up to the top or I can hike up to the top. I’ve done both, but the gondola more frequently since I skied there as well.

Each time I hiked up I always saw something I didn’t when I rode up the gondola. But it was the same view. Somehow there was more satisfaction out of hiking up then there was riding the gondola up. Another one of my favourite hikes is Fairview in Lake Louise. This is the first major hike my wife and I did together. It is about 8 hours round trip and has an elevation gain of about 5,000 feet. It was tough. Near the end, the last mile so to speak, is the toughest. It is the steepest part. And at that stage the legs are like rubber and the whole body is exhausted.

I liken our IVF journey to this hiking on two points:
1) It is going to be tough and at the last stage I’m sure our entire body will feel like rubber.
2) When we get there I think the view will some how be different and more enjoyable.

I once said to my wife that I don’t think I would trade this infertility in for being fertile. I prefaced that with, as long as we can get a BFP through the IVF. She was a little shocked. Probably wondering why I would choose this again.

And I guess the reason is this:

If we got pregnant easily I think we would have been most concerned about buying the right crib, the right stroller, the right clothes, having the baby in the right month, and just generally the wrong things.

The DW's Story

2005-12-05T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am the wife of Paul and thought I'd too like to join in this blog to express my thoughts and feelings during our on-going journey to become pregnant.

As my DH said in one of his earlier blogs, when we first decided to try to have a baby we were concerned about which month we wanted to have the baby in, how much money we would need each month for diapers, and formula, and so forth. We started putting money aside in a Baby Fund to help offset the loss of income we would exprience when I would be on maternity leave. We thought we were getting ourselves well prepared. We had no idea what would lie ahead.

After the first few months of not being successfull we thought, it's okay we've only tried for a few months. I was reading lots about TTC. Like, how to optimize your chances of becoming pregnant, which positions would be best to help those sperm find their way to the egg, what herbal remedies my husband and I should be taking. I found some very informative forums on the internet in which women were chatting about their experiences and their journey to conceive. I knew that some women on these forums got pregnant the first or second try, but overall, most women didn't conceive until about the 6 to 9 month mark of TTC. We were fine - I just had to be patient.

As the months went by, I started to get worried. Time was a factor for us (I was 30 and my DH 32) and so at about the 6 month mark, DH decided to visit the doctor. We were told, don't worry about it. Well, 2 months or so after that, we still weren't pregnant. Thanks to the persisting of my DH, we got a referral to a urologist. As my DH mentioned in his pervious post, he had surgery and found out his low sperm count got even lower. When I went to my doctor for my annual, I decided to push for a referral to an OB/GYN. My doctor pulled some strings and we got an appointment to see the doctor in less than a month.

I felt so excited and relieved because now we were actually getting something done. After having that first appointment with the doctor, I didn't feel so excited. The picture the doctor painted for us wasn't a good one. He told us our chances of taking home a baby were about 30-35%. This is not what we wanted to hear. When I heard that, my dreams of becoming a mom were shattered. I don't think I really heard anything else the doctor had to say to us after that. I felt so sad and hopeless. I just wanted to cry. But, I managed to hold it together and got some bloodwork done and an HSG booked for the next month.

That night when we got home and started talking about what the doctor had said to us, my DH turned to me and said that he wished he would have gotten a sperm analysis done before we had gotten married because than I could have decided if I still wanted to marry him. I was speechless for a second. It was than that I realized how hard this must be on him. I knew how I would feel if the roles were reversed, if there was something wrong with me. All I could do was cry and hug him. I told him that we are in this together. I married him for the good times and the bad. He is the man I wanted to marry, the man I did marry, and the man I want to take this journey with.

So in the next month or so we got an appointment with a fertility clinic. I was so nervous because the news we received last time was not so positive and I didn't want to have to hear it again. Well, to my surprise, that trip to the doctor's was the first trip in a long time that I actually left with some hope. We were told that our changes of becoming pregnant with the help of IVF and ICSI (the only procedure that would work for us because of the low sperm count) was about 60-65%.! Wow! I couldn't believe it! I was so excited and felt that there was a chance of my dreams coming true - to become a mommy and see the man I love become a daddy!

As of today, we are mentally, financially, and emotionally set for IVF. We will be starting the process in late January after we come back from a much needed vacation to Costa Rica. I know we still have some hills to climb in the road ahead and there will be many ups and downs for us in the next couple of months. However, I figure that if we made it up the mountain this far over the last 18 months, we can make it to the top!

The IVF Bomb.

2005-12-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

To or not to drop the IVF bomb on family and relatives has caused a lot of discussion between my wife and I about how, when, who, where, and what.

We gave careful consideration on who tell, if anyone at all. We decided to tell all of our family, close friends, plus my boss and my wife’s boss. We did each of them separately and most of the time over dinner.

As time went on we became more comfortable with the topic. We are also more knowledgeable about it then people who’ve not gone through IVF or studied it. We’ve had reactions from engaging dialogue to please pass the salt. (Although no one ever said that phrase.) The IVF is an immensely personal experience. And it is very intrusive. To talk about it is to talk about the failing of one of the most intimate acts between a man and a woman. Talking about a sex life around the dinner table with parents, aunts, uncles, close friends and bosses is not a ‘normal’ thing to do. So talking about IVF skirts the sex life issue which is not a discussion I am accustomed to having with my father-in-law or my own parents for that fact.

Our families have been very supportive of us. They are giving words of encouragement. And we accept them all. I have said a couple of times “we have learned we cannot ‘will’ this.” Basically a polite way of letting them know we don’t need a peep talk, we’ve given it our all, and this is the deck of cards we were dealt… and this is the action we need to take and we need to be mentally prepared for a BFN. Boiled down – we don’t want to be delusional. Yes, we need to remain positive and yes, state of mind can make a big difference. But we don't want to blissfully ignorant. In fairness, if it were my daughter/son telling me s/he were going for IVF treatment, I’m not so sure I would know how to respond either.

Our odds are very good of getting pregnant via IVF. In fact, they are better than the most healthy fertile in their prime couple trying to get pregnant. We’ve got a 60%->65% of getting a BFP.

In dropping the IVF bomb we touched everyone in a way I bet they weren’t expecting. I feel it has brought everyone closer. My wife and I are about to embark on a journey like one we’ve never had before. She is going to be poked and prodded and scanned. We are going to take the act of getting pregnant and we are going to hand it over to a doctor and his support team. There are going to be trying times ahead. And the support of our families is going to help immensely.

Can you cure infertility with diet?

2005-12-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

The internet is a wonderful resource. It flattens the world like never before. And it makes the power of information available to everyone. The catch is the novice of any subject may not have the experience to tell the BS from the gold nuggets.

As my DW and I struggled with this we started looking for solutions. We started finding these solutions on the net.

The most distributive to us was diet. My DW and I are normal weight and eat a balanced diet.

We found information that said we should cut out caffeine, refined sugar, and alcohol.

So it started – the major upheaval in our diet.

I love my coffee. Two large ones a day. If I don’t drink them I get headaches. I managed to kick coffee for 2 months. We stopped eating anything with refined sugar in it. Which is incredibly difficult to do. And we stopped alcohol, which for us, is not a big deal.

The upside to all of this was I managed to kick my coffee habit, we started losing weight, and saved money by not buying wine or beer. The downside, didn’t seem to make an ounce of difference.

When we finally got to the fertility clinic the nurse told us all of those things were fine in moderation. On the drive home we stopped at Tim’s

What the thyroid pills were meant to do

2005-12-02T05:36:00.000-08:00

In my last post I mentioned my family doctor put me on thyroid pills. They were meant to stimulate testosterone which in turn would stimulate sperm development.

It didn’t seem to work. The counts went 17M, 10M, and 2M. They got worse as time went on.

I watched this excellent webinar about the IVF process. If I can find the link I will post it. The doctor hosting the webinar said that too much testosterone could lower sperm count!!! The very next day I stopped the pills.

I also learned in that webinar that the sperm production process is almost a black box. They don’t really know what goes on in there.

Varicocele Repair (History)

2005-12-01T13:10:00.000-08:00

We started this journey over 18 months ago. But the didn't star the blog until Dec 2005. So the post over the next couple of days will be some history.

I've debated about keeping a tight lid on our identity. I'm not going to tell you exactly who we are, but if you're determined enough you might be able to figure it out. So be it.

When I was 12 I had a varicocele repair. At the time, 1984, the doctor told me I could go for the operation or have the veins drained on a regular basis. We (my parents) opted for the surgery. I was sent to T.O. where a Jewish doctor performed the surgery. And convinced my parents to have me circumcised! Sneaky!

After the surgery there were definitely less veins, but they were still there. They never grew anymore.

Fast-forward to 2001.

I decide to ask my girlfriend to marry me. Before I do I think it would be a good idea to get a sperm analysis done. Unfortunately for me I did not have a family doctor. I called the hospital and told them what I wanted... well, as you could imagine, that didn't take me to far. So I end up asking her to marry me with no sperm analysis.

After TTCing for about 5 months we get a home sperm count test. A little dot was to turn a shade of blue. If it matched the control blue then we were fine. If not we had a problem. We had a problem!

Go to the doctor and ask him for a test. He, being nearly 75, humors me and tells me "don't worry, it is 95% of the time the women's issue." The result from the test were not good. 17 million was the count. To be fertile the man needs to be over 20 million. The doc just told us to be patient and put me on thyroid pills. The pills were meant to get my testosterone up.

Three months later I went for another test. 10 million! Yikes, it went down. Not good. The doc standing in for mine (my doc had a stroke) who was equally as old, told me the same thing "it is a woman's issue, be patient."

We started to do some research. And pushed our doc to hook us up with a urologist. We wanted the varicocele repair done again. The urologist did it and I paid the consequence of a fair amount of pain for a week plus 4 days of near immobility. Luckily I had some pretty powerful pain pills... I liked to call them my happy pills. And a very caring wife that took good care of me.

Later in the week will be post about the thyroid pills and the result of the varicocele repair.

Hello? Can anyone hear me...

2005-12-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

17, or maybe it was 18, months ago my wife and I decided to start trying for a baby. She was 30 and I 31. Our biggest concern at the time was getting a July baby, since this would have tied in nicely with our schedule. She is a teacher.

Our second concern was the cost. Could we afford it? What would diapers cost? What about formula? And cribs and strollers... and and.

We even went and got the prices of these things. And found some relief in the fact we were sure many of the things would have been given to us by our family/friends via a baby shower.

The first month we didn't get it. But we weren't really trying.

The second month we missed again. Ok, since not everyone can get preggy first 'real' time trying.

Third month BFN. Well, it took our friend R & T 6 months for their first baby, so this is OK.

Fourth month and were still batting ZERO. No worries, we didn’t bed dance enough that month.

Fifth month and another BFN. This one was hard to take since DW was a couple of days late and our hopes were built up. We even dis-believed the first HPT.

Months 6 to 12 blend in.

Months 12 to 17. Trying for a baby, um, I don't think it feels that way. All hope is pretty much given up.