Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The wait

Ever since we made the decision to go IVF/ICISI we've essentially given up trying to get a BFP on our own. We've handed our future over to a doc and his team.

The stress of everything going on right now seems enormous. Work, the holidays, upcoming vacation and so on. I'm not sleeping well. In fact very poorly. I fall asleep OK, but I'm up around 12:30AM for an hour, then again at 4 (mainly because the dog tries to get on the bed) and then usually up from 6ish to 7ish. The alarm goes off at 7:00 AM. My wife is doing no better.

We go on vacation next week. We've always slept so well while we are away. And it is not the bed or the room. I think just being away from it all makes all the difference in the world. I'm looking forward to the week. Mainly because I hope to sleep deeply through the night.

When we start the IVF process I don't know how I'm going to sleep. The other stresses like work, the house and all of the daily stuff will not go away. Maybe exhaustion will be my friend. At times I wish I had a simpler life. No computers, no phones, no internet, and a little house on some acres with lots of tress with a stream running through the backyard for the dog to swim in. A view of something else other than houses across the road. Does not need to be a majestic view, just a view.

I guess that is why I work so hard. I envision that for my family one day. A little place that is private where stupid neighbours don't walk across our lawn.

But you know, the house being my office is probably the biggest problem. I lack will power sometimes. And I'm never truely off. I'm always on call in some sense. There are great benefits to this working at home. But I think the 'not being able to get away from it' is a big fault. So much so, I think I might just build a lone standing building for my office in our next house. Something that is locked separately. Something that I truely get away from.

I wish I could get my thinking right.


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